Bathing Suits

A blog about the beach wouldn’t be complete without a post about bathing suits.

Every woman I know hates shopping for bathing suits.  We don’t want nipple covers and butt floss:  we want material to actually cover the girls and our behinds in and out of the water.    Somehow this fact has not yet reached the swimsuit designers, who themselves must be 1) male, or 2) female in an arrest stage of sexual development.

I would classify my body as average; I’m not super thin, but nor am I overweight.  My legs are good.  I favour two-piece suits, although I’ve never liked bikinis (read above reference to boobs and butts).  Now, do you think I could find a well-fitting bathing suit?  Not a chance.

Bathing suits for women come in two categories:  skimpy and granny.  We know what the skimpy suits look like, but the granny ones are, in their own way, even worse. Granny suits are invariably black, and truss you up like a turkey. Hell, even a tsunami couldn’t release the girls from its underwire grasp.  And they’re about as comfortable as a body vice.

So what are we women to do?  One option is to go to a nude beach, assuming you weren’t the shy type and didn’t mind if your naughty bits got sunburned.  Another option is to kidnap swimsuit designers and make them wear their own creations.  That might be just the fix we need.  In the meantime, I’m still searching for that perfect bathing suit.  Wish me luck.

Almost butt floss.

Only .0000000001 percent of the female population actually look like this.



4 thoughts on “Bathing Suits

  1. OMG… I can’t stop laughing… Was a GREAT blog today!! I certainly can’t disagree with your comments re bathing suits. Unfortunately MY body fits those ‘granny’ suits. haha I love (NOT) the banana hammock! GEESH!

  2. This post is hilarious, and soooo true! If we can get bras and underwear that fit our varying bodies and are comfortable, why can’t they make bathing suits that do the same? Loved the pics, but I kind of wish that I could “unsee” that last one! 🙂

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